So I know it’s been a while since I updated my blog, I have been busy and also not really knowing what to write about certain things that have been happening but I have now got my balls back and I am going to write about what has been going on the past few weeks!
The reason I was worried was because I didn’t know who was going to read this and also because I didn’t know how much detail to go in about again certain things! I’m going to write the basic jist of what has happened but not go into too much detail such as a read at your own risk post!
Also because I can’t remember what happened from day to day now I have left it so long I am just going to bulk everything together!
So let’s start with the job!
So as most of you will know I walked out on my stripper job and spent basically everyday searching for jobs, it was getting stressful, I wasn’t hearing back from anyone and got to the point where I needed to start applying for jobs that I did not want to do! So I applied for a job in fundraising! To me I cannot think of anything worse than this kind of job, I hate people who try to talk to me in the street with a passion!
I also have got social anxiety! So trying to talk to people in the street is very stressful for me to! However I applied and went for an interview on the Thursday of a couple of weeks ago the date was the 3rd December. The next day I got a call back saying I had got the job and I was really happy as this was fundraising for Cancer and I feel like this is very close to my heart as just before I went away as one of my best friends from back home had his mom pass away from Cancer so this to me felt like I was supposed to do this job! I know I can’t turn back time and bring his mom back but I can make more people aware of how high the cancer risk is in Australia!
I was actually really shocked by how high it is over here! 50% of the population will be affected by cancer at some point during their lives which is crazy! The sun here is so strong and the lack of an ozone layer doesn’t help people’s chances either, so it is a great cause and I was happy to be a part of it! Although my first week was horrendous! I felt so scared and so nervous and I felt pretty emotional too! It surprised me actually as I have known for a few years now that I have got social anxiety and just general anxiety with absolutely everything and this job kind of slapped me in the face with that and made me realise how bad it actually was! All through the first week I just wanted to run away and hide and cry! It was not the best week of my life at all, but I made myself carry on!
I do not want to be a nervous wreck throughout the rest of my life! I want to be a happy and confident person and not have to worry about talking to people and I guess the only way for me to get over that is to put myself through a bit of mental torture to begin with but that won’t last forever!
So in the first week, well on my first day on the street I actually had a really bad day, I was unlucky and managed to stop drunk people and someone who seemed to hate Australia and not care about cancer at all, telling me that his dad had it and he didn’t care so I was incredibly shocked and didn’t really know what to do with that! I also find that the city is a really hard place to get people to stop and chat to you as everyone is in such a rush all the time and then the people are a lot like I was! Wanting to avoid fundraisers at all costs! I now have so much more respect for fundraisers than I did before! It’s a HARD HARD HARD job to do!
Then on the Thursday I got asked if I would go on a travel trip with a few people of the team, this scared me so much because I thought omg I will have to go away for the week and I won’t be able to escape even if I wanted to! (I always like to have an escape plan!!)
We went to a place called Goondiwindi on the Sunday evening (I love the names here) it’s a very small town that is about 4 hours south west from Brisbane! And I managed to get my very first sign up all on my own so I was very happy with that! And then in the evening we chilled at the caravan park, smoked some weed and drank some beers! It was a good day and night although I got absolutely covered in mosquito bites so bad that when I woke up the next day my leg was swollen and I couldn’t even wear my shoes! A whole pack of antihistamines later and some antiseptic lotion it was feeling a lot better.
We spent the next day in Goondiwindi too but I started hating the job again! Lack of breaks and just me feeling miserable from the bites and again trying to stop people was making me feel miserable. It’s not that I hate the actual job, I think it’s needed to make people aware of what is actually going on in the world of cancer and it is a great cause but I just think it’s not for me! And I don’t really like pressing people to spend money when they don’t really want to at first which obviously means I’m not going to be a very good fundraiser! Part of the job is concern handling (when they say no) but I think if someone says no then they have a right to that and I don’t really like pushing someone into saying yes.
We left that night and moved onto a place called Stanthorpe which was about a 3 hour drive away and it was very high up (around 800meters above sea level) so it was a lot cooler here and for the first time being here I felt freezing cold at 17degrees! Guess my body has adjusted to the heat here!
Again this day was not enjoyable for me, we didn’t have a break and then our lunch was late, I was feeling ill and miserable and just being generally moany! I had already in my head decided that I hated this job and wasn’t going to continue after this week so I had no motivation and then with the lack of breaks and unpaid overtime it was making me feel even more miserable towards the job. It got to lunch time and the manager called me and I told her that I was going to leave, I carried on working for the rest of the day and thought If I could get a couple of sign ups in the afternoon I would change my mind but I didn’t! I guess I am just not made for this job at all!
So I searched for a bus back to Brisbane and left the next morning! I think it is a shame as the people who work with the company are really nice so I will miss spending time with them but I can’t just stay in a job just for the people! I need to enjoy myself and enjoy the work otherwise I will get miserable and moany – and yes I know I shouldn’t get like that but at least I know myself well enough to know that I would feel and act that way and I think I did the team a favour by leaving to be honest! I don’t want to bring anyone down with me!
One thing I will say is that I am happy I did do the job even though it was only for a week and a half but that was a week and a half longer than I wanted to do it! It has increased my confidence and made me realise some things about myself which I wouldn’t have realised if I hadn’t done the job! It’s also made me more aware of cancer and how high the statistics of being diagnosed with it are so it is making me think a little more about my lifestyle choices which is a good thing!
So now to the next part of my life……
In the last few weeks there has been a lot of confusion on my part due to yes a boy! What a surprise! So a lad called Tom came into the hostel and as soon as I saw him I remember thinking ‘oh no….this is not going to be good’ why?? Because I thought he was rather tasty to look at! And then after chatting to him for a bit I thought he was also a really nice person! which means big trouble for me and my over thinking mind!
I couldn’t get him off my mind but I refused to let myself do anything because even though I would love to find someone who wants the same things that I do and my dream has always been to find someone who wants to travel the world too blah blah blah……I also am not an idiot! I know that these kind of things tend to only happen in movies and with my track record of men treating me like shit I really don’t want that to happen over here!
I have also decided that I’m done with pointless relationships, yes I know I’m travelling and what everyone does here is sleep around with people and then move onto the next without really caring about each other, well I have realised that is not me!
If I am going to be with someone from now on then I want it to be real or have the potential of being real, I know you can’t decide within the first week or so that you are going to spend your lives together – I am not that stupid! But I do know that you can go into something with good intentions and by good intentions I mean not just planning on sleeping with someone for a bit and only that! And then see what happens, no game playing just enjoying each other’s company!
So back to Tom…..I had mentioned to Amy that I liked him and that he was oh so beautiful which he is, but that I also was not going to let him know this! I get very nervous showing my feelings towards people when I don’t know how they feel about me! I don’t want to feel embarrassed or anything so I find that I try to act like I don’t like them at all! (I know – silly right)
Anyway……he obviously heard that I liked him and came and spoke to me about it, I said that I wasn’t sure on what to do! For days I kept going back and forth in my mind about if I should start anything with him after all in my head he is a man, he is going to hurt me in some kind of way as every other bloke I have come into contact with has! (And quite badly too which I’m still not quite over I have come to realise).
So after a lot of thinking and a lot of talking to friends here and back home I decided to try not to worry about things and just go for it, which I did! And it seemed to be alright for a while! But now I’m not so sure!
I don’t really think he likes me as much as I like him and he seems to only want to spend time alone with me when it’s late and everyone else has gone to bed…..hmmm I wonder why that is??
We all went out for a few drinks last weekend and me and Tom had a bit of an argument as I felt like he had been a bit unfair to me the night before and was just waiting for an apology which I didn’t get…we ended up speaking and sorting things out and he seemed to say all the right things but he was drunk so I guess that might be the only reason why as he seems to be different again with me now! How confusing!!!
I know he’s not all in the wrong but as I have been told if a man wants to be with you he will make sure that happens and also make you very aware of that fact which he has not! I know it’s only been a few weeks but I still know myself well enough now to know what I want and need from starting something up with anyone and I am not in any way ashamed or embarrassed to say that I want more than just a few hours alone together every few days doing ‘certain things’ As I mentioned before I am so over silly games and so over sleeping around with no intentions of anything else! I would much rather have nothing and wait for someone who actually wants to be with me and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that….do you?
My other problem however is that I constantly question everything I say and do all the time, so I will feel like I want more or say something about the way I feel and then panic and think – ‘shit, should I have said that? Am I being an idiot?’ which I have done about this situation but I do think that I deserve more and I don’t think that I am wrong for wanting to be treated better! Maybe that will make me stupid but I’m ok with that!
I wasn’t sure what to write about the whole thing as I do want to keep my diary updated with everything in my life so I can look back in years to come and remember so that’s what I have done! I don’t know if he will read this or not but if he does then he does and I guess I will just have to deal with what ever is to come! – Hopefully all good but I am not that optimistic haha.
Right well that’s done……. So what else have I been getting up to?
Well I love everyone in this hostel! There is a big group of us now who are staying for Xmas and New Year and it’s a really good group! It’s going to be a very sad day when we all part ways but that’s the life of a traveller I guess! People quickly become your family and become a big part of your life because you are living together and spent the majority of your time together! I know I have made some friends for life here and that makes me happy!
I have managed to get everyone involved in secret Santa which me and my amazing friends back home do every year! And even though it does not feel like Christmas at all here I am still making sure I have some Christmas spirit even if everyone else is not as enthusiastic about the idea! Back home I love Christmas and I get that from my amazing mom! She is crazy for Christmas and why not? It’s something to look forward to! It’s a day where you spend time with people you love and have a good time! So I will bring my Christmas spirit to the land down under and I will sing Christmas songs and dance around to them! I am however deeply saddened at the fact I did not bring my elf costume to wear on Xmas day! But I will get over that! Maybe try and find a Santa bikini or something haha.
So what am I doing now??…..well its Christmas next week and I am just going to chill and try not to spend too much money as I don’t want to work until after new year now! But I just need to try and come up with a plan about what to do after New Year! Where to go, what to do etc.…..
Also on Christmas Eve I have a spa day which my amazing family got me! I am so excited! It’s a whole day of treatments just in time for Christmas! Eeeaaakkkkk!!! It’s going to be amazing so thank you guys!
Right I think I have wrote more than enough now, sorry to blabber on but you know me! I don’t do well with short and sweet!
I will try be better with updating this next time haha.