So it’s been just over 3 months since I started my travelling adventure and I have done so much with this time.
I’ve had 3 jobs (ok 2 of them I only did for a week and I have just started my third one) I have met so many amazing people and seen some pretty amazing things.
I have definitely settled into it all now and I am feeling like I am home already.
It hasn’t all been sunshine and smiles though, I have certainly had my down moments, it’s made me realise a lot of the bad things about myself that I didn’t really address when I was at home, because I had so much comfort to fall back on there. But here when I have been sad I only have myself to work that out with. Yes I have met some truly amazing people who have helped me out of course but at the end of the day it’s only me who can overcome any of the things I feel sad about.
So what have I learnt?
Coming away has bought a lot of deep set feelings to the front of my mind, especially with the way I view myself. I’m not saying I have dealt with everything at all quite far from it but it has definitely made me have a good hard look at myself.
I have been feeling homesick and missing all my family and friends a lot, I love everyone that I have met along my travels so far but it’s also made me realise how great everyone I have back home is. I know a lot of people don’t have a massive group of close friends to go back to and that don’t message them a lot and I also know my family is huge and it’s made me appreciate everyone back home so much more.
I have also been able to deal with a lot of pain that I had built up to do with ex boyfriends, again I won’t go into loads of detail but I have not had much luck with men, they always seem to hurt me or use me and I have been dealing with all the baggage I have built up with that most recently.
When the New Year kicked in instead of coming up with lots of crazy plans to get fit and quit smoking etc. I decided that my new year’s plan would to be – be happy more, and not let everything get to me so much. I have spent a lot of time the past few months feeling a bit down about all of this and making me question the person I am. I always worry if people like me and I have felt a bit out of place where I am at the moment, but I know that’s down to me looking at things in the wrong way.
Not everyone will be on the same page as me and I will meet people who will get on my nerves or who will treat me in not the best kind of ways.
I think I had it in my head that I would come away and everything would be amazing from start to finish and that everyone else who was travelling would also be really nice and I wouldn’t have any problems with anyone because everyone is in the same mind frame, well that’s not the case at all.
But now instead of me letting myself feel upset about the person I am or the way people have treated me I am trying to look at these things more as something to learn from. I was so happy back home, and why? Because I let my self be. I was finally comfortable with the person I was and I also let myself accept that people loved me as much as I loved them. Something that I had never been able to do before. I always felt like there was something wrong with me and that people would never love me because I’m well let’s face it – a bit of a strange one! But I managed to realise that that was a good thing. When I came away I was thrown out of the comfort of the people around me who I knew accepted me for who I was and was thrown into a mix of new people who didn’t really know me properly, some who have not been that nice to me at times and that made me start to backtrack on the happy feeling I had and again start to feel bad about myself.
Looking at it all from my new perspective now I realise that in order to go forwards sometimes we need to take a step back and that’s ok.
Not everyone is going to like me and that’s also ok, some people will use me, some people will just not like me and that’s just the way of life. What I can do is recognise when someone is not good for me to have in my life and learn from it so it won’t happen again.
My problem is that I care about people a lot, I fall in love easily be that in relationships or friends (I can honestly say that I am 100% head over heels in love with all of my friends and family) and I will also do just about anything for people that I love. Sometimes people will take advantage of that and I was thinking do I start being not so nice and not doing nice things for people? No because that’s not me! I just need to recognise when to stop with certain people and I also need to improve on taking a step away from people who are not good for me. I know I need to work on this more.
Although I think I have got better with this over the past year anyway but now that I realise this I can improve on it even more.
I also managed to put myself out there and go and do a job which I knew I would hate, fundraising.
Trying to speak to random people on the street with social anxiety was horrible, my heart was pounding, and I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time. It was not fun at all but I did it and I stuck with it longer than I wanted to because I knew it would be good for me as a person. I don’t always want to be this shy person who is scared of meeting people because they will judge me. I need to realise people are going to judge me no matter what I do or say so I may as well be myself.
I do feel really happy at the moment, I have stopped caring so much what people think about me but every day is not going to be like that I know that. But if I can feel happy and be myself the majority of the time then that’s all that matters. And even though it’s only been a few days since I have had this wonderful epiphany I feel like something is different this time, I feel like I am stronger for it and like I’m on a good path!
Well I think that can be all for now, all in all a very difficult but also amazing few months and I know that everything from here on out is going to be all for the best. Everything happens for a reason (well I think so anyway) and you just need to treat everything and everyone that comes into your life as a lesson, be that a lesson to learn when to back away and be selfish for yourself or they may be able to help you in some kind of way or you help them.
Time to love life and everything in it and carry on learning.